Moving Forward...
- vejay25
- Jul 4, 2023
- 7 min read
Updated: Jul 18, 2023
March 23, 2023
It is an emotional struggle for me to reshape myself back to living in “my own personal space” …the “space of myself.” After having lived with Al for over 28 years, and as some term it, being “joined at the hip”, I am struggling with this part of the journey…walking alone in the “space of myself”. I am (and not) who I have always been…stranger and familiar to me at the same time. There is also a tinge of guilt that lingers in my mind as I move forward into the “space of myself” because I really feel the pain, and even a little fear, of moving forward without Al. But I keep reminding myself, that in order to continue to carry his memory forward, I must keep moving forward.
March 24, 2023
Remembering today, how I was so distraught that I did not think to remove his wedding ring from his hand when he passed…thankfully, my daughter did it for me and put it in a plastic bag so that I could have it to keep. He never took it off…and I remember how I would always have to remind him to take his ring off when he would put lotion on his hands…it did not seem to matter to him that lotion would get on the ring. It only mattered that the ring remained on his finger…until death parted us.
March 28, 2023
My daughter surprised me and took me to see Jonathan Butler in concert over the past weekend. It was the first time I had really been out for enjoyment since Al’s passing. She said she wanted to see me smile…and I really needed to feel what a real, genuine smile feels like, again. My daughter had booked a room for us in a hotel that is just steps away from the venue where the concert was held. And when I saw the cost of the room for one night’s stay, I almost rejected her wonderful offer. But she refused to allow me to reject it, and I am so grateful for her gift of a wonderful night of outstanding music and the love that Jonathan Butler poured into his performance…He reached into our hearts and touched us with musical emotion and spirit. It felt as though he was giving us a “Gift”. It was much more than just a simple concert…it was an offering of talent that reached into the heart with uplifting power in each note and each musical word…I felt myself feeling the relief of smiling again.
March 29, 2023
It’s almost 6 months since Al’s passing, and it still feels like just yesterday that he was here with me. In all of the time that has passed, I have not been able to compel myself to move or take down Al’s clothes…they are still just as he left them. I look at them every day, and it almost feels like he’s going to come in and choose something to put on. I keep putting off taking them down, with no explanation and no regrets. It will happen when it happens.
March 30, 2023
Allowing myself to feel enjoyment is still overshadowed with sadness. I take it in and appreciate the fact that I am feeling better and closer to myself, even while still feeling close to and thinking of Al. Sometimes I catch myself in the middle of a laugh, and I almost stop laughing…but I try to keep laughing, to allow myself to feel “normal” again.
Al was funny…and only a few fortunate ones ever saw that side of him. But he had a beautiful sense of humor and made me laugh so hard sometimes. We had a joke between us that we both needed to be wearing Depends when we broke out laughing, doubled over, laugh tears rolling down our faces. Now I realize that sometimes when I catch myself in the middle of a laugh now…I’m waiting to hear his laughter.
April 19, 2023
There has been a significant gap of time since my last writing…I have been busy with the effort to normalize my grief – doing the things that must be done to keep my forward movement moving forward. A few days ago, I did a job that Al would always insist on doing – even during his illness. I mowed the front and back yards of this home that we used to share. He would always do the mowing, and I would do the weeding. And he would often “fuss” at me if he thought that I was doing what he thought was too much. I never took what he did for granted, because I knew he was trying to continue to live as a man who loved his life, his wife, and his family. But, knowing he was ill, I never allowed him to do any of the heavy work alone…I always accompanied and assisted him. This time, I did the work that Al always did. And when I finally finished the job, I thanked him – repeatedly. I could not stop thanking him because, with each push of that lawnmower, I recognized the depth of his love for me – what he did for me, while he lived…because he did not want me to have to do it. The very last words he uttered to me from his bed in the hospital, when I leaned close to him and asked him what he wanted me to do for him were, “Sit down and rest.” Now when I sit down and rest, I think of you, and how you always tried to take loving care of me…Thank you, Al.
May 26, 2023
Today I couldn't keep the tears from flowing as I performed a personal tribute of love to Al's Sweet Spirit...He was with me last year when we potted plants and flowers to lift our spirits and hearts...This year, his Sweet Spirit was with me as I planted, and watered each planting with my tears. I’m usually cognizant of the way I present myself when I’m outside. But today, I didn’t seem to care much about what others thought of my “presentation”, sitting in my garage in front of the house, working with the beautiful plants I’d purchased this year…I cried! And I cried until my nose filled up. The only thing that gave some clue that I was crying was the regularity of me lifting my mask to blow my nose. I was wearing a mask to protect myself from the dust of the soil and plants that I was working with, and that was my only cover. But I really didn’t care who saw me…I was totally in my feelings. I was thinking of Al, and the way he had so patiently assisted me last year as we created a little manageable beauty for the front of the house. Oh, how I missed him!
June 14, 2023
When you think your heart has reached full capacity for the retention of pain and grief…think again. My heart is cracking at the seams with pain that is pushing against the walls of my heart, trying to escape. The sadness hurts so deeply into my soul…crying again.
June 27, 2023
My daughter posted a photo of her wearing the urn pendant that holds Al’s ashes today on Facebook today. She said it has taken her 8 months to put it on. I know that feeling…It seems that time oversees our feelings, and it only allows us to move forward in steps that we “measure” in time - days, months, even years. Choked and hand-cuffed by emotions that grip us…in time.
June 28, 2023
Looking in my cabinet today, I saw this - his last order…Corn Flakes. It was the afternoon before he passed. He insisted that I order 2 Corn Flakes, and I did. He loved Corn Flakes! And I will never forget how, late that night, he kept asking me if I’d ordered his Corn Flakes. He even mustered a little laughter as he asked, “Did you remember to order my Corn Flakes?” He was trying to make me laugh. And I tried to muster a chuckle and hide my tears as I answered, “You know I did.” I fed him part of the contents of one, but he never got a chance to eat the other. I brought it home with me and was reminded today of his last effort to keep me from crying. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever let it go. Hopefully I’ll get to a place where I can look at that little box of Corn Flakes...and just chuckle.
July 2, 2023
Last night my phone rang, and it was a call from a dear and talented artist friend I met some years ago when she came to visit me in New Buffalo, Michigan. We were introduced by our mutual dear friend, Peter Vale, who brought her to visit us (Al and I), and the highlight of their visit was a trip to the local ice cream parlor, where we all enjoyed delicious ice cream cones. And ever since that visit, whenever we talk to each other, ice cream cones always pop into our conversations…every time. I answered the phone, “Hi!”, and she responded, “You didn’t even ask, who’s calling! And there’s not an ice cream cone in sight!” And our conversation began with laughter. She told me that she had opened her phone book, and when she did, it opened on my name…hence, the call. She said she’d been reading my social media tribute posts to Al, and she enjoyed my writing…that made me feel so good, because it “reached” her. We talked about our “current stations” in life. She told me what it’s like to be just a few months away from being 90 years old (she’ll be 90 in October), and I told her I was right behind her, moving towards my 76th birthday in October. After we got that out of the way, we both agreed that we were continuing to stand and move forward…one courageous step at a time. As well as being a talented ceramicist, whose works have been exhibited and sold in major galleries and art venues, my dear friend’s early professional focus as a counseling psychologist makes her the easiest person to bare my heart to…and I did. I told her that lately, I’ve been feeling like a “Bad Friend” because I’ve been keeping close to myself, mainly focusing on myself since Al passed. I told her that I’d allowed guilt to creep into my mind because I’ve been pretty much keeping to myself…and that’s the way I want it at this point. She didn’t allow me to get very far into my confession before she interrupted me with, “You have every right to focus on yourself, and to put yourself and your feelings first, for as long as you feel you need to, whenever you need to – but especially in this time of your grieving!” I told her that her call had been divinely summoned. She agreed. When I hung up the phone from our long and affirming conversation, I felt myself let out a deep, comforting, soul-cleansing sigh…and my broken heart continuing to mend...Thanks, Dear Friend!
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