Processing Grief - In the Absence of My Best Friend

I have been thrown off track since the passing of my husband, Al, on October 12, 2022. And since then, I have been trying to steer my way back on to the Track of Life, so that I can continue to move forward in a positive way. Al would want me to do that, and I want to do that too. But I continue to be in the tug of war with grief.

The first way that I have decided to try and manage my grief is through writing about some of my emotions and experiences so that I can share some of my insight with others who might be grappling with pain and are pushing through the same kind of emotional journey. It is challenging and, at times, almost too painful. But we must all learn how to walk through the valley of the pain of loss. I have begun to see that journeying through our pain with the determination to reach a positive place again is quite worth the effort of continuing to put one foot before the other (difficult though it may be) …one day at a time.

I did not begin journaling my feelings until January. I don't even know where I was before then. I just moved through the days without really acknowledging time. I just wanted to get through one day at a time until I could start to “see” my way again. I guess the best analogy to describe the way I felt (and still sometimes feel) is, it is like trying to swallow a basketball…Impossible, right? So, instead of trying to swallow something so large, I will continue to nibble off little bites and digest one little bite at a time, and I consider each journal entry a “little bite”. I realize, in every waking moment, that I am struggling. I am struggling to keep from crying and caving in from pain, every moment that I am awake and even as I sleep. But what I recognize about myself is, from within my struggle I am constantly reaching out to try to positively impact another human being, one heart at a time, one day at a time and doing it my way – a way that is comfortable for me…even while crying.

I am sharing these journal posts with the hope that someone will glean some encouragement and inspiration from this offering of my journey through the pain of my loss. By encouraging others to keep pressing forward, I am encouraging myself to do the same. And if I touch the heart of even one person who can benefit from my journey, it will serve as proof that I remain the person who is worthy of being chosen by such a man as Albert Johnson, Jr. to be his wife and forever best friend…that what he saw in me and made him love me is still in me, even in his absence from my life.

In Remembrance of Al