The Journey Continues...

February 16, 2023

Relaxing into the memory of a Precious Love slowly replaces grief with peace – a kind of calmness. I believe that is the most important part of the grieving process…relaxing into it. It has taken these months for me to settle into that truth. I am still moving forward into it, but I am beginning to understand the value of the process, and the time that it takes to go through it.

February 17, 2023

Recognizing the struggle with time away from “The Norm” is another part of processing grief. It seems like I have been away from the “Normal Arena of Time” for quite a while…and I do not have any idea when or if I will return to it and know it as I once knew it. I seem to already know that it will not be the same…because I will not be the same. I am now walking forward in this life without my best friend…without Al, while still trying to accept his absence. I am still struggling to keep from crying every day – the cry is still in the pit of my stomach. What do I do with it while it is bouncing around inside of me?

February 26, 2023

Still inside of the month that has been designated for Black History and Love…Honoring Al, for who better to praise and celebrate for his Life of Love and Hope? He left such a legacy of Peace and Love on so many hearts and in so many lives. He touched so many while he was here – in his own quiet, intelligent, and sometimes, humorous way. The memory of Albert Johnson, III is Black History…and Love.

History Written in Hearts

March 8, 2023

I am now 5 months into the journey of grieving the loss of my husband, my best friend, and still, I cry with no warning. I still do not see it coming…it just hits me square in the heart. I still fill up until my chest swells and my eyes overflow and spill out down my face. I still find myself wanting to talk to him and see him, but I also realize that he is gone…What a poignantly painful juxtaposition.

March 9, 2023

Today I talked to someone about the way I feel about my solitude while I am living inside this painful space of grief. I expressed to her that I want to fully experience this new pain…a pain I have never felt before. I feel almost selfish in my demand for privacy and time to grieve any way I want to. I do not want any unrequested or unexpected visits from anyone I do not want to share my space with during this period…I do not want to talk when I do not want to talk, even if someone wants to talk to me. And that does not mean that I do not talk, it just means that I do it when I want to do it, and not when it has done to accommodate someone else’s need to talk to me or dig into my heart and mind. I feel very selfish and possessive of my feelings currently…and I do not feel that I owe apologies for the way that I feel…it is just the way I feel.

March 10, 2023

The value of true friendship during a period of grief is made evident by the way friends respond to your personal grieving process. It is a natural reaction to want to see or visit friends in grief, but when someone asks for privacy and solitude during their personal grieving process, it is always with the hope that true and close friends and family members won’t feel ignored or neglected by a request for space and preferred solitude from their loved ones. I struggle with feelings of guilt while I am currently in a place where I want and demand solitude. I do not want to hurt or push my friends and family away, but I want and must have the time and privacy to deeply and thoroughly experience the feelings that are currently consuming my heart and soul. And the comfort that comes when friends and family members respect the request for privacy and solitude makes it so much easier for me to focus my full attention on my feelings.

March 14, 2023

While at the grocery store yesterday, I was in a conversation with a customer waiting in the check-out line. I allowed him to skip ahead of me because he only had three items in his basket. He started a conversation with me and talked a little about his mother. We talked about losing loved ones after I told him that I had lost my husband. I heard myself telling him that I really did not want to be out in public these days because I did not want anyone to see the grief on my face – the grief that masks my smile, my personality, and my heart. And then I thought about what I had said and realized that I had arrived at a place in my life where I do not and should not really care about what people think about what my face shows to the public, because it is what is real and true in my life right now. I must (and want to) own every feeling and emotion that I’m experiencing at this point in my journey through this grief, without allowing it to be a diluted experience that is lessened by the impact of what others think of the way I present myself as I walk through the valley of grief…No apologies.

March 15, 2023

Still struggling with the fact that I do not want to work on my art projects. Although they are still in the forefront of my mind, right along with the deep pangs of the pain of missing Al, I allow myself to spend the time thinking of and missing Al, instead of working on art projects. Should I feel guilty? Within this period of mourning for Al, I have also received the sad news of the condition of others that I love…my brother has stage 4 lung cancer, my sister is seriously ill, I’m currently comforting a dear friend as she attends the funeral of a beloved cousin, another family member fell and is in a coma, while several others are hospitalized. And so, I am trying to process and compartmentalize the layers of pain and sadness that I am feeling, and I am overwhelmed by it.

March 17, 2023

In the 28 years that I was married to Al, and the few years before we married, I never saw him shed a tear…not even at his mother’s or his father’s funerals. That is not exactly true…he cried a little at his brother Tony’s funeral – but just allowing a few tears to fall for just a moment. Other than that, I had never seen him cry until he lay on his death bed while I was holding his hand and trying to soothe him. I saw tears roll down the side of his face. And even then, when I asked him if he was crying – he slowly shook his head, “No.” But I knew - I knew he was crying because I knew how very heartbroken and sad, he was. I told him it was alright and that he could cry if he felt like it. And when he tried to whisper to me, I put my face down close to him and he whispered, “I hate this!” to which I replied, “I know. I hate it too.” It broke my heart! And I cried with him…and for him. And now, I'm just crying for him, for all the times that he did not cry…I am crying for Al!

'Quiet Strength' - In Life and In Death

March 21, 2023

I have been procrastinating, avoiding facing the inevitable…removing Al’s name from certain official entities that require his name being removed and having my name stand alone. I had always given Al the honor of being the head of our household, and he usually managed most of our household’s business transactions, even though I knew beforehand exactly what was taking place. I did not mind or feel like I was being left out of any of the household business transactions. I really did not want to do it. But now, I must do that task he did for me. It hurts in a most profound way to remove his name from anything that my name is attached to.

March 22, 2023

I exercised this morning with tears in my eyes. I am trying to continue loving myself as Al loved me. He always encouraged me to exercise, even when he was at his weakest point in this life and did not have the strength to exercise himself. He wanted me to take care of myself just as much as I took care of him. I was thinking of him (as usual) while I was exercising today…and tears flowed with every move.

Exercising Through My Grief